It's the day before Steve's next hospital assessment. By this time tomorrow, we will have a clearer idea of what (if anything) has been going on inside him, a better feel for how life will unfold over the next few months and will be able make some plans. But today we're playing the waiting game, each in our own way.
Steve is keeping himself occupied with plumbing matters (of the kitchen/bathroom type!) researching new taps, replacement bits for the kitchen sink, a new seat for the lavatory......very practical, very here and now, very matter of fact. "I'll see if they have them in stock" he says, "so we can pick them up on the way back from the hospital."
On the other hand, I feel like I am treading water. Can't settle down to do anything. With the hospital visit hanging over us, I find it difficult to focus on things that need concentration or decision-making. Almost everything on the "to do" list seems somehow dependent on the outcome of tomorrow's assessment. I'm reluctant to start things that I can't finish today, for fear that tomorrow we might hear news that sets Steve back on the path of chemotherapy, with life revolving once again around frequent hospital visits. If that happens, I know that we will manage as we did before, but it doesn't make the waiting any easier.
At times like this, it's always comforting to hear from others who know from experience what we are going through. One such person is Jan, whose e-mail this morning reminded me that Steve is aware of his own body and can feel the signs of things changing, often before the doctors know what's going on. As he still feels good, the chances are his condition is still stable. I'm keeping that thought in my head as I try to make a decision about what to do with the rest of the day.
Perhaps now would be a good time to catch up on the ironing? On the other hand, the sun is shining and there are big swathes of blue sky - better to be outdoors? Oh dear, decisions, decisions........what was I saying about being unable to settle down and do things?
Steve is keeping himself occupied with plumbing matters (of the kitchen/bathroom type!) researching new taps, replacement bits for the kitchen sink, a new seat for the lavatory......very practical, very here and now, very matter of fact. "I'll see if they have them in stock" he says, "so we can pick them up on the way back from the hospital."
On the other hand, I feel like I am treading water. Can't settle down to do anything. With the hospital visit hanging over us, I find it difficult to focus on things that need concentration or decision-making. Almost everything on the "to do" list seems somehow dependent on the outcome of tomorrow's assessment. I'm reluctant to start things that I can't finish today, for fear that tomorrow we might hear news that sets Steve back on the path of chemotherapy, with life revolving once again around frequent hospital visits. If that happens, I know that we will manage as we did before, but it doesn't make the waiting any easier.
At times like this, it's always comforting to hear from others who know from experience what we are going through. One such person is Jan, whose e-mail this morning reminded me that Steve is aware of his own body and can feel the signs of things changing, often before the doctors know what's going on. As he still feels good, the chances are his condition is still stable. I'm keeping that thought in my head as I try to make a decision about what to do with the rest of the day.
Perhaps now would be a good time to catch up on the ironing? On the other hand, the sun is shining and there are big swathes of blue sky - better to be outdoors? Oh dear, decisions, decisions........what was I saying about being unable to settle down and do things?